My Requiem

Yesterday I felt my emotions described by two songs from one of my favorite bands:

In the morning I felt so mad, apathy was my salvation; and since bugs are actually a theme from the relationship, it seems like joining them, yeah, thats the one!

Later in the night I received a call that felt as if she wanted to sing me this beautiful song... (try and understand the lyrics), and thats not at all, who you want to feel like; especially when you do nothing of the sort.

And so, as I fall recklessly out of love's illusion, disintoxication feels about the same as going cold turkey... (heroin withdrawal)

Hoy la razón pierde en contra de la emoción

Cuando tu corazón tiembla, late, corre.
Intenta escaparse de tu cuerpo
y tu mente intenta alcanzarlo,
gritando detente,
detente, morirás!
Razona a la izquierda,
justifica a la derecha
y gasta todos sus esfuerzos pasando la mayor parte del día frenándote,
para que al final no des vueltas en la cama
agotado y llorando de felicidad cuando por fin te coge el sueño,

Despiertas luego de 3 horas, curioso, sin haber oido un ruido
de repente notando que tu corazón ha aprovechado muy bien el tiempo
aterrada, arranca la mente, nuevamente:
Detente! Detente!

Solo ahí entenderemos que el motor humano no es el pensar,
Si algo nos priva del sueño es el corazón.
Sufriremos, a veces de dolor inimaginable,
pero esta angustia es en otros momentos nuestro impulso,
y sin él seriamos máquinas o en superior instancia animales.

Late corazón mio, late, hasta que me mates.

Poesía 41

(Hay cosas que no me salen bien, y quizas es dejarte ver que tanto significas para mi... Quizas me da miedo ser expuesto tan vulnerablemente.)

Pero te espero, como el bosque espera la primavera; como el día espera el amanecer, para poder ser luz, para poder ser vida.

Don't Panic

I haven't been able to sleep well, so I guess writing poorly is a rational continuance...

If the answer to life, the universe and everything were indeed 42, then all of our work, all of our love wouldn't be for any ultimate goal, but for the moments we shared with each other.

Every push and shove, our scientific achievements, every victory in war or politics; for no greater good than our own tranquillity, commodity or enjoyment.

There were always two ways to react to this line of thinking: either severe depression, loss of direction, even nausea; or ecstatic freedom and an alleviating sense of relief in knowing that doing your best and helping those around you is literally as good as it gets.

In choosing the latter, you would think there are less ways to go wrong... Just muster up as much love as possible, prepare the other cheek and go around listening to people, give them a helping hand and a shoulder to lean on.

This my friends, is indeed hard enough. Enough so that rumours live still today about the man who best achieved this feat being the son of a supreme being who was unfortunately later nailed to a tree for sharing this...

So some of us, who have a harder time being there, smiling, giving the other cheek, or simply have less comfortable shoulders, we have looked for other ways to share ourselves with others; and the ones we love, or wish loved us.

And we get there... We remember each other for very many different things...

We pick the things we're good at, and that is what we share... I'll try too, being a better self, to be loved.

To see the dawn, like today's, in the lives of whom we cherish most. To give them nice days and memories, and hope.

I wish I could never falter in sharing the dawn...

Old post never completed... How to share an Idea?

Among other things... I'm starting to realize how hard it is to share an Idea... especially when its still just a twinkle even in your own head...

I spent the better part of this morning defending my "Simple First, let complexity settle in later, and RE-SIMPLIFY" approach to software development with an associate today, and one of the subjects that came up was the distance between my recomendations, and those found in a book.

I was accused of critizicing without offering an alternative approach, while the acusation has some foundation, I nevertheless was pointing towards the very same path we later found out the book suggested. Viewed as a dialog it would read:

• We need to walk down this path
• Which path? I don't see anything this is how Its always been done, there are but random discrepencies
• Yes, but your idea suffers from ... and this path offers ... Lets tread this path
• I don't know, I still don't see any path

I've been mentioning going around the second law of thermodynamics for a loooong time now (since first reading about Brownian Motion, and some other subjects), since I'm no expert, its always been a hunch... an untreaded path my instincts told me must be explored... (we could branch out of the subject a little, and discuss what leadership means but lets keep to the original idea). Slashdot writes about researchers taking a look at non equilibrium transistor switching (the original article is simply horrific, and the reporter simply missed the goals by an immense margin, so don't even bother) to make more heat efficient computer chips, where heat isn't simply removed, but utilized, and the reality is Science has hither-to been deterministic

Well the article is god awful, and the researchers plans have nothing to do with my original idea, and we're left at the point of how hard it is to share an idea... how much of ourselves, our own past experiences is embedded in every choice of word we make!

What do we live for?

What do we live for?

Any of us? All of us?

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.
“Nothing,” I said.
“You have to make a living,” she answered.
“There are other passengers”.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

. Please read the whole article, its deeply moving.

How can someone who believes there is no ultimate goal, be so sure of himself measuring others? how can someone who thinks himself in-tune with the notion of the butterfly effect, even ponder an intent to measure?

How can we guess what is needed of us? How can we work for moments we never know might arrive? Ideas, we will never know where even worth achieving?

Who are we to say we are driven by a righteous ideal? How can we know?

Since we can't, we are blinded into trusting through faith; of any sort, not just religiously...

I wish I could help someone out as much as this man, or as my father. Trustingly, hoping somehow your actions take flight and fulfil other's happiness or dreams, not by oppressing others into doing things my way. (or any way I deem myself as righteous or correct; for who the hell am I?!) :(